What I Am

The Capstone project has taught me many important lessons. This experience into the medical field has given me an invaluable perspective had I chosen to otherwise do something else. This project has shown me that being happy and fulfilled is much more important than what any paycheck can endow. But it also taught me the importance of perseverance, patience and determination. And I can honestly say that I, for the most part, did not enjoy working in an office the entire time. And that's all I did. I pushed papers like a mindless drone and I found myself counting the seconds for every session to end.

But then I saw and believed.

I remember feeling so lost and hopeless back in the beginning of this year. I hated the prospect of growing up. I was just afraid at the time. I stood at an impasse at my life. And I did not know which path to take. It was like constantly being chased; hunted, even, at every moment, day and night. It plagued me to no rest and there were moments I wished for them to desists by any means necessary. I was wrong, I was troubled and I was weak. I was ashamed to think despite all my years of schooling throughout my entire life, I still felt like a child still wandering in search of something.

I do not know if I will continue down this path into the medical field. Twenty-five hours of office work does not and will not encompass all the emotions and investments a full-time, trained medical professional has to go through on a regular basis. I have seen and observed as much as I could during my time, however. I studied Dr. Valle and Dr. Lark's every movement. I analyzed and I processed the way they talked, the way the walked, the way they acted and the way they wanted people to perceive them. I do not know how they can do the things they do. How does one work tirelessly every day? How does one work with no sleep? And how does one manage to keep composure in the face of all that? To keep a smile and ask "How are you?" and know full well that you may their only source of strength at that moment? Doctors are healers; nurses are healers. The people who take your temperature and study the hairline fracture in your tibia are the ones who have to endure the grueling task of such work. Has it ever occurred to anyone what toll this has on mental, emotional and physical fortitude of those who have to heal? It is without a doubt noble work, in all earnest regards. But it is a sacrifice I do no know if I have the strength to make.

In my twenty-five hours of mentor work, I would be lying if I said that I felt any less apprehensive. I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid or if I knew where my life would lead me. But I know what I am now. I am young and alive. I have choices and opportunities. I have decisions to make and a new direction in my life. I am a stronger person in my mentality and I have new resolve to accomplish others will not. I am afraid to continue down this path.

But I believe in myself.

No matter what happens, where I end and what I end up doing, I will never forget what I learned about myself this past year. There were many experiences that have helped me know more about myself and what I want to set as a goal in my life. I know for a fact, however, I would not have become what I am now without the Capstone Project.

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthian 12:9

Final Day (May 5th, 2014)

On May 5th, 2014, I began and finished my last day at Dr. Valle's clinic in the afternoon. Nothing extraordinary happened on my last day. It fits the trend, considering everything I have done would be considered by many (including me) to be unremarkable. Countless hours of filing medical dossiers, organizing and just being in a workplace environment has been absolutely tedious and strenuous. I cannot honestly say I love the medical field, but there is something deep inside me that feels fulfilled whenever I complete a task. It is a different feeling from doing a assignment in a class; I actually feel like my work matters when I complete it. I said goodbye to Dr. Valle and his workers. They were very kind and patient with me. I'm very grateful for the opportunity I have been presented with and it gave me a new perspective that I would not have had otherwise. I have a lot more to say in my final, culminating blog.

This experience changed me.

Time logged for this session: 4 hours

Total time logged: 25 hours

Visiting, Moving and Rising (March 22, 2014… April 13, 2014)

On March 22, 2014, I visited Dominican University's campus up in San Rafael. This is not gonna count towards my hours but I feel the things I saw, experienced and felt are all very pertinent to this capstone project. I like the feel of it up there. I like how the people are and I like the food and the curriculum. I sat through a college course, toured the campus and just got a good feel for it up there. This was a prospective school for me, but here is the thing: I got admitted into their nursing program already. Not only that, but with all the scholarships being offered from Dominican, FAFSA and other organizations, my tuition per year would ultimately total $2000. "Are you kidding me?" I never would have thought something like this would even be possible for me. I was afraid of my future and I probably still am, but  I know for a fact of  what I have been able to achieve so far. I feel inside me a sense of urgency and pressure to sustain what I have, but I want to accomplish so much more. Maybe nursing is not for me. Maybe I won't go into the medical field after all is said is done. But I know for a fact this is too good of a opportunity for me to run away from. I have a new confidence in myself that no matter what challenges may arise, I will rise up even higher.

••••

On April 13th 2014, I began my hours once again in Dr. Valle's office. I began the motions of filing (as always) and it was a relatively quiet day until around after lunch. It was relatively quiet so I decided to pay attentive detail to those around me. But nothing happened. I ultimately realized how dull and mundane office work can be.  Growing up, I always wanted to pursue a career in which I felt liberated and free. I realize how many sacrifices those who work for the wellbeing of others must make. If I do not take it upon myself to help people with competency and compassion, then who will? My conscience drives me to strive just so I can help heal and make a difference in someone's life. And that's the true goal of anyone who works in medicine.

Time logged for this session: 6 hours

Total time logged: 21 hours

Monetary Things vs. Things of the Heart (March 9, 2014)

When I got to the clinic in the morning, I once again went through the motions of filing and organizing medical dossiers and charts for a while. When I got the chance to once again meet with Dr. Valle,  we very briefly discussed the nature of his profession as a doctor. Obviously, he talked about how this occupation provides a lot of monetary security. From what I can gather by the discussions going on in the clinic, Dr. Valle is very well off. I met and helped his wife move some supplies from the office to her car. I do not want to be a judge of love, but she was very youthful and beautiful, probably ten to fifteen years his junior. I obviously do not know because it would be very rude to ask. I spent the rest of the day filiing  more papers, learning how to weigh someone on a scale and how to interpret blood pressure in correlation to heart rates. There is so much to learn. There is so much to do. At the end of the day, I found myself once again asking if this is what I really wanted to do with my life. I always told myself that I would never have a nine-to-five job working behind a cubicle pushing papers just to make an ends meet. I would never be just a single drop in an ocean of uniformality. I would go out in the world and be something. I'm at the point in my life where I have to define what that something is. This does not feel right. I want to learn so much about medicine because the human body is a beautiful thing and I've always held that in my heart. But I'm starting to question whether or not this is the right profession for me. Am I even in the right field? What should I do? Do I really want to do this? I don't think that money is more important than happiness, but at the same time it's easy for me to say that when I'm still living and being dependent on my family. There is so much pressure in my family to join the medical field. My mother, three of my aunts and two cousins that I grew up with are all in or pursuing a medical career. They've always been supportive of the decisions I decide to make. But at this point, is it really a decision if it's already to be expected? I'm scared what they will think of me. I'm scared of what will happen if I fail. And, most of all, I'm scared I will make the wrong decision. Everyone is telling me to just to take up nursing because its safe. My brain says "yes" but my heart says "no". For now, I have to harden my heart and learn eveything I can about this profession through this mentorship. But I know deep down that no amount of time or money will ever sate it until I do what it feels is right.


Time logged for this session: 6 hours

Total time logged: 15 hours

Restarting and Relearning (March 2, 2014)

I resumed my hours at Dr.Valle's clinic on Saturday. It was a gratifying feeling to once get back into the motions of things. I began in the late morning (around 10) and spent a good portion of my day filing medical charts and dossiers into medical archives. All the while I saw people enter and exit Dr. Valle's clinic. I noticed that Dr. Valle's patients were mostly those of elder age. He works in internal medicine, but I could have sworn he works in geriatrics. Also I must mention I am not being directly supervised by Dr. Valle. The medical field is a very busy field and it was mostly his assistant, Dr. Lark, that helped me on Sunday. He is still my mentor, however. He is just a very busy man. For the most part, the day went smoothly and was very quiet. At the end of that session, I asked for a medical assignment to work on at home for extra hours and he asked me to do some research on what branch of medicine I would personally be interested when I get furhter along in my career. From what I know and have found out, all students of medicine start off studying broad medical classes such anatomy and biology, along with their general education, their first four years in a college or university. After that,  they can further specialize in many distinct paths and branches (i.e. I can become a registered nurse (RN), study more for a doctorate degree, specialize in certain area of medicine such as anesthesiology). Obviously, this is a lot to take in and think about. Do I really want to be in school for another 10 years? Is it worth to stay longer in school just so I could potentially make more money? And most importantly... do I really want to study for a field I find no enjoyment in just because it seems like a smart thing to do? I really want to find answers to these questions and more. Finding direction in my life is the first step to taking control of it. I hope I figure it all out soon.


Time logged for this session: 6 hours

"Homework" hours: 1 hour

Total time logged: 9 hours

UPDATE: Long Hiatus and Getting Back to Work (February 25, 2014)

This blog has been quiet for a long time. There have been many complications with me finding a time to resume this mentorship, partly because its been hard to find times that work between both my schedule and the schedule of Dr. Valle's clinic. But I now have a chance to resume work. I am finally going to continue my hours (which are now going to be very long and ardous from what I can understand) beginning this weekend. Hopefully everything goes well.

First Day at Seton Medical Center, Doctor Valle's Clinic (November 1st, 2013)

I started my volunteer hours on Tuesday, October 29th. I was suppose to start on the 28th but the office was mostly empty and I was sent home. My aunt put me in contact with Doctor Valle as she is his colleague. My first day went by smoothly. The majority of the time I was shuffling through papers to help organize the medical archives of Dr. Valle. It was just a taste of what the medical profession was like, but the amount of paperwork was staggering. It goes without saying doctors keep frequent circles with one another and refer their patients to others within their net if they suffer from an ailment that is not in their expertise. Likewise, the amount of faxed medical dossiers between Dr. Valle and his peers grows every day. Paperwork seems to follow you, no matter what profession you seem to choose. Better to learn now than later.

Time logged for this session: 2 hours

Total time logged: 2 hours